I set her on my mother-in-law’s kitchen floor and I looked up and said
“I don’t even like her”
And as I stood sobbing, I wanted nothing more than to leave…without her.
I hated being a mom.
I hated what Kaitlyn’s constant crying told me about how I was doing as a mom.
I hated being attached…responsible for another person’s life.
I hated that I didn’t feel all mushy and warm inside when I held her.
Instead I felt resentment, guilt and anxiety.
And I just wanted it to go away.
I wanted her to go away.
So, when people tell me I’m a good mom…
All I can do is smile and thank Jesus for His grace…
Thank Him that He’s never given up on me.
For everday I am made aware that I can do nothing of any worth without Him.
And if He can make me an ok mom…I know nothing is impossible for Him.
I pray daily that He protects my kids from my selfishness and my sinfulness.
I cherish that He has given me a promotion in this life from just caring for myself to letting me care for them too.
I beg Him for guidance and direction daily, because I know His ways are better than mine.
And that only He knows what my children’s future’s hold, and what they will need to get to where He wants to take them.
I’m so thankful that although I know He does not need me to accomplish what He will in their lives, by His grace, He lets me be a part of always pointing them back to Him.