I am not usually a fearful person, but this week I was gripped by fear.
I know as a Christ-follower I’m not “supposed” to fear, but this week it consumed me.
I found out that a girl that I babysat when I was in highschool took her own life in the basement of her parent’s house.
And I wondered what got into her head that trumped what I know her parents had taught her about Jesus’ love. And if I’m honest, I began to wonder if I’m doing a “good enough” job at teaching my kids that no matter what this life may sling at you, God is bigger than it…and He loves you no matter what. And even if I am…is it enough to keep them from the evil in this world?
I was gripped by the fear that I am, in my own strength and ability, incapable of instilling anything permanent into my children’s hearts. That I am weak and insufficient. That if my example is what they are following, they will experience deep and unnecessary valleys throughout their lives that will take them places no parent ever wants their child to go.
And for a few days, I stayed there.
I stayed in the fear that this world is offering so many false and unfoundational hopes and there is no way I can protect myself or my kids from their lure. I lingered in the terror and instability of everything my eyes can see and for a moment allowed my mind to flirt with the concept of hopelessness.
…and I found myself face down on my bedroom floor, weeping.
And in moments that followed, and as God lifted my head to face heaven, I was reminded of my favorite verse in the Bible…
Be Still and know that I AM GOD Psalms 46:10
I was reminded that He is God and I am not.
That I am weak and insufficient
That in my Jesus, there is hope in seemingly hopeless situations.
And strength for the weak….perfect strength.
There is rest for the weary…if only I will come.
And love without boundaries…that never fails.
I was reminded that my hope and my joy comes not from my own abilities or sufficiency…or even what my own eyes can see in any circumstance. That my hope and my joy come from knowing God’s promise to me to never let me go. That I will always be too small for any situation that requires His power – like parenting – but that I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength that I need.