Aside from this afternoon’s blog on a free $20 Starbucks card, I had missed almost a week of blogging – did you miss me? : ). The week was unusual in that we got new floors throughout our house and that threw me off a bit, but in all honesty, I sat down multiple times to write and every time I began I had to stop. There was a block of some sort, a void in my train of thought that kept me from completing any post. And since one of my primary goals of this blog is not to create unnecessary “noise” and to be intentional about what I publish, I just did not post anything.
Whenever I get a “block” of sorts and lose my perspective, I find it helpful to look back through old journals to remind me of where I have been and how far I have come. So, I read through some old posts that I had written earlier this year before I was brave or vunerable enough to post anything publically and was reminded why I started this blog – because I felt a tug on my heart to share with those God would lead here that this journey we call life is oftentimes really really hard and everyone needs some comfy pants to put on sometimes and know that no matter what is going on right now, they are loved. That my blog may only speak to one person, that it’s not about the masses and that if I am faithfully obedient, God will provide the words He wants me to write.
Here is the post I wrote on April 11th of this year…
I am ordinary – simple, plain and without Jesus, nothing special. I have opinions that are my own and have made it my life’s mission to bend those opinions only to what Scripture writes. I can be hasty and rude to those around me – I know this and am honest about the sinfulness in those attitudes towards others that God has chosen to create and put on this planet near me. But ultimately I always land on the fact that I have a Mighty God …and in His infinite and indescribable wisdom, created each of us with different qualities, abilities ….and purposes – even if they don’t “look” like what I think they should at times or look like mine at all.
Recently, God has led me into a valley. One that revealed most of my weaknesses and exposed my unholiness. The valley has left my heart raw and unable to protect myself, leaving me the ability to cling to only one promise – “I will never leave or forsake you, Sheila”. He’s called me into a plan that is not about me, but about His purposes. Because I declared in my heart and out loud that I would go anywhere, do anything for Him….He has shown me what that requires of me (which is so little) and what only His power is capable of doing through someone…..so ordinary.
I don’t have it figured out – not even part of it – and I don’t claim to know even what the next step is. I’m a planner, I love to plan, anticipate, analyze and execute – which has made this valley, full of twisted thorns, dark unlaid paths and uncertain daybreaks, very frustrating, exhausting and suffocating for me at times. It has removed all that I am comfortable with and replaced my motivation for doing things not that I “like it”, but that I like Him….and I like to make Him smile.
I don’t know if I’ll ever post any of this for anyone to see. This is the first one – but the tugging in my heart to write has become something I don’t think I’m supposed to conceal only in my personal journals anymore. What that means, I haven’t a clue – but as I take a look around to see where God is working, listen to His invitation to join Him and adjust my life to be molded to His likeness (see Experiencing God) I hear a faint whisper saying “Sheila, let them know it’s not all easy….but that it’s Glorious”.